If I had a time machine I would set the time dial to 1967 and the location indicator to Kirkaldy High School.
My mission is a simple one. I want to write an addendum to Gordon Brown’s performance report – with the benefit of hindsight – [come on, I said a had a time machine?].
Gordon, or as I like to call him, ‘Lord’ Brown became the longest serving Chancellor of the Exchequer in the UK in modern history. Some might say this was a proud achievement. Others, i.e. me, may be less kind. As a financial expert, 10 years at the Treasury must have given him plenty of opportunity to ply his financial and economic craft.
Of course, if you are a historian, you may challenge this assertion. Actually, if you are Gordon Brown you may challenge this assertion. Not because you are Gordon, sorry, ‘Lord’ Brown but because you are a historian, Gordon. In fact, Gordon did his PhD in history, not maths or accounting or economics. So what is a historian doing as chancellor of the Exchequer? Good question!
I expect he did a great job. So let’s have a look at his ‘hindsight’ report, brought to you with the benefit of my time machine. Let’s see how he got on with a set of questions.
TEACHER: Gordon, the ‘Carry Trade’ is a ‘big boys’ toy’. Basically, if you want to do a bit of high financial wheelin’ and dealin’ but you don’t have any money you simply rent a load of gold. Yes, rent. But this is not your normal rent. You may rent the gold, but you are allowed to sell it, use the proceeds to do a bit of wheelin’ and dealin’, make a trouser full of dosh in profit, take a bit out to buy back the gold that you were renting and shazam! you’re very rich. What would you do Gordon?
BEST ANSWER: This is a very high risk business that can ruin a country’s economy if your investments don’t pay off or if gold prices rise, while you were sleeping. Outlaw this immediately.
GORDON’S ANSWER: Those financial heavyweights really impress me, a mere historian. Give it plenty. Give it large. Sh*t, gold bullion has risen? The banks are in trouble. I know, I’ll tell the market I’m flogging off the gold. I’ll dump 400 tons of the heavy stuff. That’ll bring the price down. Result!! the banks are safe, phew!
TEACHER: Gordon, you just cost the country £18Bn and blew about half the country’s gold reserves. You really must try harder!
TEACHER: Try this one Gordon. The pension companies have built up huge reserves. They are high achieving investors and they benefit from tax relief on the interest from their investments. What would you do, Gordon?
BEST ANSWER: Many people in the UK have invested in private pensions to secure their retiral and their ability to look after there successors. They have paid for this all their working lives. The Actuary companies have made wise investments and built up huge reserves in the good times to cushion their customers in the lean times. This is a great model for how companies show plan for the future and secure their continuity.
GORDON’S ANSWER: If I am to be popular, which I’m not at the moment, I need to splash the cash a bit. Tony needs a lot of ‘bank rolling’ for some of his new ventures in the Middle East – not sure what, but Tony has it covered. I know? Those Actuary companies have had it too easy. If I take away their tax relief on investments, who will notice – their bl**dy loaded. Crikey! £11Bn a year and counting. I will soon be the most popular politician of the decade, maybe forever?
TEACHER: Gordon, that was very, very silly. The Actuary companies did notice. In fact they have had to cut loads of private pensions by about 75 to 80%. You have cost the country almost £120Bn, and some. What’s more, many of these pensioners are now in hardship and costing the welfare system a bl**dy fortune. Gordon, this is simply not good enough.
TEACHER: Try another one Gordon. You must have heard the expression, ‘printing money’. Well, in fact there actually is a financial tool where we do just that. We don’t actually print it, we generate it electronically. we give it a special name, ‘Quantitative Easing’. Let’s see how you deal with that, Gordon.
BEST ANSWER: Quantitative Easing is a very risky business. It is a very powerful tool if used properly to kick start a country’s economy; if it stalls. The trick is to inject this new money into the parts of the economy that generates growth and jobs. Infrastructure projects, housing, energy investment, proven new technologies are great examples.
GORDON’S ANSWER: This is really big money so I would trust the big financial heavyweights. I’m pumping this into the financial markets, the Stock Exchange where the big boys play. When they have made truck loads of dough this will percolate down to the working classes and we will all benefit. I am going to be so popular, I can’t wait.
TEACHER: Gordon, I am very annoyed with you. You are in awe of the big boys and look what you’ve done. You just chucked £365Bn into their playground. Before you could say, ‘Tony’s off to war’ they’ve moved most of the money to their other playgrounds in places like St Moritz and there is only 8% left. I am only going to give you one more chance, and that’s it.
TEACHER: OK Gordon, this is your very last chance. Scotland is your home country. You have always said how proud a Scot you are. Well, here’s your chance. On the 18 September the Scots go to the polls in a referendum to decide if they will become an independent country. They are a very wealthy country in terms of their natural resources, especially oil and gas, but also coal and renewable energy. There biggest asset is their people, some of the most inventive, entrepreneurial folks in the world. They have waiting since 1707, as you know as a historian, and came very close in 1979 and 1997. This could be their time. Support for the YES campaign is rising steadily and it looks like the Independence movement will triumph. The Better Together lot have come up with nothing but resorted to sniping from the sidelines and scaring the elderly and the less able to keep the Union together. Go for it Gordon, let’s see what you can do?
BEST ANSWER: Clearly there is an appetite for independence. All the signs are right. The country is vastly rich, but very concerned that most of their wealth gets sucked into the Westminster black hole. Westminster repeated tells Scots that their oil is running out and they are subsidised by the rest of the UK. OK, don’t let’s continue. Let the Scots go it alone. Let them keep their depleting assets and free the rest of the UK from these so called ‘subsidy junkies’. And if they prosper, good luck and well done. In any event, we will remain good neighbours and allies.
GORDON’S ANSWER: Hold on a minute. If Scotland becomes independent how will I get my ‘Lordship’? What about those corridors of power I walked along? What about my future and the future of my beloved Labour party that I have written so much about. This could be the big split from my arch nemesis and buddy, Tony? Here’s what I must do. Get the timing right. Alistair Darling is making a complete arse of the campaign – anyway, I could never stand his colour co-ordination or lack of it – I’ll shove him aside, grab the limelight, spin the Scots a huge big yarn about the benefits of the Union and save the day. After all, me and Tony and Alistair and Peter sort of wrote the manual on spin. Some people even said we taught Dyson all about proper spin. Hold on? What can I tell the Scots that we haven’t already threatened them about. Got it. Call the Daily Record, they are always good for a pack of lies. I’ll get them to do a front page on the big lie. can’t call it a lie though or people will see through it – I know, the next best thing to a lie is a Vow – ask any married couple!
TEACHER: Gordon, what the f*ck have you done? You put out there a whole pack of lies, called it a vow, they believed you and you just condemned your own country to years or decades of servitude and suppression. I could forgive you the gold, OK the pensions were a huge mistake, QE was a pure disaster but you have really screwed up royal this time. You brought about the Smith Commission and guess what? Scotland gets to raise taxes, gets to borrow more and more – and while all that is going on their vast oils assets, including all the new stuff you lied about, is flowing south. This is by far your biggest blunder ever. You will be ridiculed in your own country, your name will be mud (mind you it’s brown now) and you will never get that honour that this was all about. I hope you are thoroughly ashamed of yourself.
NOW, GET OUT OF MY SIGHT
Oh, and promise me one thing. Never, ever, ever, when you leave school go anywhere near finance because you are a walking, talking pure disaster. Why don’t you try for a job that get’s you away from Scotland – was there not an opening for a Middle East Peace Envoy going?
Don’t bloody tell me, that swine Blair has jumped in ahead of again?