I said I wouldn’t do it but, like a car crash, I just had to watch the Miliband v Cameron debate debacle. One commentator summed it up nicely with an analogy: it was like 2 boxers in separate rings with one referee?
So what did we learn for our investment of over an hour and half of tele time? First of all, if the debate was held in Glasgow, Paxman would have got his head kicked in – if you’ll pardon the vernacular.
First of all we learned that David Cameron is not sure if he could exist on a zero hours contract. Then, to my horror I discovered he did not know how many people use food banks. Now, we all know that it’s civil servants and special advisers who are actually running the show. Perhaps they should be on zero hours contracts for not having the savvy to anticipate such basic questions.
If Cameron had responded to Paxman’s taunts with ‘I’m good with zero hours – have you no idea how rich I am Jeremy – I mean, like, ultra rich’. As far as food banks were concerned if he said 171, 482 but who’s counting that would have did it for me. Forget the budget deficit, forget the NHS, forget Europe – a guy who is stinking rich and can quote the attendance at food banks to the nearest urchin – gets my vote.
The media criticised Cameron. He looked lost. He was clearly trying to do an Alex Salmond nice guy number and forgot his words. The real villain here was Paxman. There are so many areas of the economy, health, defense, foreign affairs etc to grill him on and Paxman goes for a head count at the food banks.
That said, Paxman came into his own when Ed Miliband was up. Again, there were so many areas where he could have been held up to the toaster – but what did we get from Paxman? ‘So Ed, the public think you’re a nerd?’ Miliband missed an opportunity to respond with, ‘Am a bothered? do a look like am bothered, eh? me, bothered? Paxman came back at him with, ‘the people think we got the wrong Miliband’. This was the point when ‘hard man – hell yes! – should have left his podium, and put the nut on Paxman. But no. ‘Its a bit awkward at home right now. Mum’s got a right hump with us and my toothbrush has a very funny taste, David?’
Then Ed went on the offensive apologising for everything. ‘We got the banking regulations wrong that sort of ruined the world. We shouldn’t have started all those wars in the middle east. But I stood my ground. I told them, do you mind if we don’t actually go to war? But to be fair, it wasn’t me, it was bad Tony Blair, and big fisted Brown – they made me do it. But I’m really really sorry’. But remember, they were New Labour – I’m not New Labour, although some really bad people have said I am Blue Labour – I think that is pretty mean! Mum also thinks that’s mean. David just sniggered – I don’t think I like him so much now.
He then went on to re-affirm that he is hard – really hard, hell yes!. I had a flashback to that moment when Neil Kinnock addressed conference with a Yeeeeeha! That was gut wrenching? I think I threw up?
When I reflect on what I learned from the debate, it will come as no surprise that I learned nothing. Anyone with a crumb of sense will also realise they learned nothing.
All the rest will rest easy in the knowledge that Ed and David are beginning to patch things up at home and their mum is making them a nice bowl of soup. David C on the other hand needs to go away and count up all those people at the food banks. He also needs to contemplate what it must feel like to turn up at Parliament only to be told at the gate, ‘sorry mate, there’s nothing doing for a Prime Minister today – but drop by tomorrow, we might have something’. David C will of course have the last laugh. His lot brought in the ‘exclusivity clause’ into the zero hours contract rules. So David can trot off to his other Prime Minister job – although, unfortunately, they didn’t have anything for him either… oops!
I can’t wait for next Thursday’s debate. Some say it has been labelled Snow White and the 7 dwarfs. Think I’ve worked out Grumpy, Sneezy and Sleepy so far but who the hell could be Happy –
CERTAINLY NOT THE VIEWERS
Finally, there is a rumour, only a rumour, mind, that they have changed the presenter for the ‘sevens’. Jeremy Clackson has become available. There is just a chance that this could be a fist fight?
NOW THAT WOULD BE WORTH STAYING UP FOR!